Always the last one in the office? Finding it hard to say ‘no’? Do you consider yourself a people pleaser? Then this article is for you.
There is a paradox when it comes to setting boundaries. Communicating and holding your boundaries might feel uncomfortable or challenging, which is why many people struggle with it. However, not expressing and standing by your boundaries also leads to uncomfortable and undesired situations. These can have far-reaching consequences, leaving people feeling unappreciated, stressed, and unhappy.
Setting boundaries might be challenging, but it is a skill that will help you live a more empowered life.
The discomfort in setting boundaries often comes from a desire to be liked. You don’t want to be seen as rigid or unkind. But we need boundaries to protect our own time, health, and priorities. This holds true in any aspect of life, especially at work. Boundaries are a healthy and important way of protecting your autonomy, safety, and dignity. It’s an expression of personal leadership.
Yes, it requires standing up for yourself. Right from the start. Because the thing with boundaries is that once you give in, it’s twice as hard to stand up for yourself the next time a similar situation occurs, three times harder the time after that, and so on.
We unwillingly create an expectation with others. An expectation that it’s okay to be late, that you will pick up extra work to meet a deadline, or that it’s not a problem if your partner again fails to do a promised chore.
People will be shocked when you say ‘no’ after letting something slip many times before. They might not understand you and may even get angry.
People who stand up for themselves from the get-go will never face this disbelief or anger. They set another expectation: my time is not to be wasted, I am not responsible for cleaning up your mess, and I am worthy of being treated with respect. You better not ask me or do this again!
So it’s clear there is a lot to gain by setting boundaries. But how do you do it? Here are actions you can take to become a master at setting boundaries:
1. Know your boundaries.
It’s not as simple as it sounds. We often realize our boundaries only when they are crossed, leading to uncomfortable feelings. Have you ever really put your boundaries into words? Do you know why they are important to you? If it’s difficult to articulate, grab a pen and download my free tool to analyze. Create awareness about your boundaries first. This will make it easier to recognize them in moments when they need protection. It gives you a step ahead!
2. Practice saying “no.”
It’s a skill, and skills can be built! If setting boundaries is not your natural talent, start practicing in your everyday life. Tell people you are working on setting boundaries. There is no harm in asking others to support your ambition. Involving them can help you hold yourself accountable and not feel alone. Also remember: you are not a bad person for saying “no.”
You are taking charge of your life and practicing self-care. Saying “no” can be done in a friendly manner. Try it!
3. New situations are THE moment for expressing and setting your boundaries.
Prepare yourself for such situations. Often, we say ‘yes’ before we know it because a question catches us off-guard, or we don’t know the other person well and want to make a good first impression. Be extra alert in the first month of a new job, during a sales call with a prospective client, or when planning a holiday with friends. How do you see yourself in the new role within this new situation? What expectations are reasonable, and where do you draw the line?
4. Reflect regularly.
If holding boundaries is a challenge for you, it can help to check in with yourself regularly. Reflect weekly on these two questions: Where did I give my power away? Where did I maintain my agency? Hold yourself with compassion during this exercise. If you notice you keep giving your power away, it might be helpful to find additional support, such as a coach.
5. Renegotiate!
Agreed to something too fast and now regret it? Go back and set it straight! Don’t sit on it by yourself for a week; do it right away. Be honest and explain that in a flash of the moment, you may have overpromised. We are all human, and most people will understand that such things can happen. They’ll probably even admire your personal leadership in standing up for yourself. Instead of sitting on the problem alone, you can now look for an alternative solution together.
Setting boundaries is not just about saying 'no' to others; it's about saying 'yes' to yourself. It's about recognizing your worth, protecting your well-being, and living a life that aligns with your values and priorities. By mastering the art of setting boundaries, you pave the way for healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.
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Leonie Scholten
Owner of Purposeful Growth Coaching & Consulting
leoniescholten.com
Link to download the free Boundary Tool
Are you registered job seeking at the moment? Having Leonie as a coach can be 100% free of charge for you- Fired Up Space offers job and founder coaching for people registered at Agentur für Arbeit or Jobcenter. Sign up today and get started with your free career coaching!!
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